Describing my relationship with my dear teacher, Venerable Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche, is difficult and nearly impossible to do in full. It ranges a span of more than 4 decades and records a variety of emotional, spiritual and personal experiences, some too personal to describe. To begin it is necessary to mention briefly conditions just before and after I met Rinpoche. This story is told in all humility with my head at the feet of the precious Dharma Master, Venerable Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche who blessed my life and my family in uncountable, profound ways. May all benefit.

I first met Rinpoche in Columbus, Ohio in the late 1970’s. I was a Hinayana practitioner who went with my wife, Deborah (at the time), to offer a gift to Rinpoche as we had heard he was starting a Buddhist meditation center in the city. I believe Bob and Melanie Sachs were the prime organizers. There was a dinner of interested folks in the vicinity Ohio State University. We knocked on the door of the room where the dinner was being held. We explained we wished to make an offering to the monk who was starting the center. We stayed outside the door as a matter of respect as we did not want to make a spectacle of entering. Rinpoche came to the door as did his translator, Ngodrup Burkhar.

We explained that we had heard about the formation of the center and wished to make a gift to encourage Rinpoche and members of the Center. It was a large hand-carved mask of a red terrifying deity which I had purchased in Nayabasti (New Settlement), Nepal where I had served in Peace Corps in the early 70’s. I don’t know if I mentioned to Rinpoche that I had recently completed my Ph.D. degree specializing in Theravada Buddhism or that I had had the good fortune to meet personally with His Holiness 16^th Karmapa, Rangjung Rigpe Dorje, in San Francisco where he had related to me personal things about my life even I did not realize at the time.

At our first meeting, for lack of time, I did not mention I had previously taken a class in graduate school on the Kagyu lineage of Tibet, met personally with Sister Palmo when she toured the Bay Area in the mid 1970’s, met with Kyabje Kalu Rinpoche and received a dharma name from him, and had the immense fortune of watching His Holiness Karmapa perform the Black Hat ceremony on his tour of San Francisco. I don’t believe I mentioned these things because I did not know the relevance it had with Rinpoche, or me, at the time. In later years Rinpoche would tell me it was clear I had a connection with the Karmapa. As he did to all his students, he instructed me to take Karmapa as my primary guru.

Rinpoche asked Deborah and me to come into the hall and have dinner with the group. We politely declined as we did not think it was appropriate. We said good-bye, wished him and the group well, and departed.

Photo below: Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche with HH 16^th Karmapa, Rangjung Rigpe Dorje, at tree dedication ceremony honoring His Holiness. Also in photo C. Burr Dawes, Chairman-Director Emeritus, The Dawes Arboretum and Dorothy Mann, Chair, The Dawes Arboretum, Newark, OH. October 1980.

In the immediate months which followed, Deborah and I turned to the forming group in Columbus as a welcoming sangha where we could go to practice samatha/vipassana meditation. I soon found myself a board member. I particularly looked forward to the group meditations of Chenrezig when in the dissolution stage, unrecognized by me at the time, I could practice silent meditation of samatha. Throughout these years Rinpoche’s steady hand guided us from afar and on occasional visits to Columbus as a steadfast spiritual friend. He provided wondrous dharma teachings, powerful empowerments and all activities of an awakened one. Even though I did not recognize the extent of his realization, he was always patient, kind, compassionate and wise.

It was also to Rinpoche whom we were able to bring our children, Daniel, Jonathan and Rosemary, and have them experience the warmth of a true dharma master. One teaching to young Jonathan occurred when Jon confided to Rinpoche he was having trouble with something. Rinpoche told him, a small child at the time, to picture a table in his mind filled with items. He told Jon to swipe the table clean. Jon did so and was troubled no longer. As an adult, Jon still tells the story of how healing Rinpoche’s teaching and presence was at the time and throughout his childhood.

Photo below: Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche and Jamgon Kongtrul Rinpoche, The Dawes Arboretum, Newark, OH; October 1980.

In 1980 Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche was the guiding hand in sponsoring His Holiness 16^th Karmapa to come to Columbus Karma Thegsum Choling. Since its founding in the 1920’s, The Dawes Arboretum, Newark, OH, founded by my grandparents, had extended invitations to famous individuals who had impacted world history to dedicate trees at the arboretum. To my and my family’s immense good fortune, such an invitation was extended to His Holiness Karmapa by the arboretum Board of Trustees and he accepted. His Holiness dedicated a tree at the arboretum in October 1980. His entourage included HE Jamgon Kontrul Rinpoche, Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche, Ven Ponlup Rinpoche, Bardar Tulku Rinpoche, translator Ngudrup Burkhar and additional monks. The dedication ceremony, attended by approximately 50-75 folks included a fifth grade class from Licking County schools, was replete with monks blowing long Tibetan horns and full blessing ceremony by His Holiness. Throughout the day, VKKR, other monks and Ngudrup, attended His Holiness diligently. Within approximately one year, His Holiness passed into parinirvana.

In the years that followed Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche had a Tribute Tree sponsored in his honor at the arboretum. I don’t remember the date, early-mid 1980’, Rinpoche performed a Tribute Tree ceremony behind the history center by the pond near the Daweswood House Museum. I have been told a photo of that blessing ceremony by Rinpoche (included here) is a favorite photo of VKKR by some students. Blessing a dawn redwood tree (leaves are brown due to autumn or fall), Rinpoche is seen in the photo standing alone, firm, majestic, powerful, compassionate and with the eye of wisdom. The tree, which few know about, is labeled to this day in tribute to Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche.

Photo below: Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche blessing a Tribute Tree in his honor at The Dawes Arboretum, Newark, OH, mid-1980s.

I was honored in the early-mid(?) 1980’s to attend the first KTC/KTD conference at Karma Triyana Dharmachakra monastery in Woodstock, NY. I remember Rinpoche’s patience, and humor, when he dealt with the many issues which were discussed, one of which was coordinating KTC activities as representative centers of the Seat of His Holiness Karmapa, Dharma Triyana Dharmachakra monastery. One of my favorite memories was passing buckets of cement in a line of fellow sangha members as the foundation for the KTD shrine building was formed. There in the midst of construction was Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche, work-robes on, not just supervising all, but physically applying all his effort. Then, in the evening, cleaned up and with immaculate appearance, he would be in the shrine room leading evening puja and later, having dinner with us.

Over the years I would go and come from KTD seemingly every few years, in retrospect when uncertainty would hit or direction was needed in my life. KTD was a spiritual home away from what had become my spiritual home at home, Columbus Karma Thegsum Choling. I had come to relish my weekly trips to Columbus, and occasional trips to KTD, to be with sangha and practice sadhana. Behind everything one certainty steadied me, Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche was the steady figure who never wavered, the one whom I could trust, the teacher whose commitment to His Holiness Karmapa, the lineage it stood for, and in turn, me and fellow students, was unshakable.

In the late 1980’s Deborah, my first wife (having changed her name to Dakini) left me and our three children. I am eternally grateful she left the children with me. At that important time in my life, it was Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche’s instruction on ton-lin which transformed the situation for me. Within a year (1988) I took my new girlfriend, Eve, to meet Rinpoche who was on his annual trip to Columbus. I asked him if we should get married. Not only did he agree, he married us on the spot (photo included)! Joy of joy, already attracted to Tibetan Buddhism and His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Eve became a dedicated student of Rinpoche’s and the Kagyu lineage. She graciously hosted many monks to our home, including HE Jamgon Kontrul Rinpoche, and served Rinpoche diligently on his trips to Columbus, often staying days-on-end at the homes where Rinpoche would stay. Even though we are no longer married, we remain in close contact, and will always appreciate our time together and the opportunities we had to raise our family and to serve sangha with Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche at the helm.

Photo below: Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche with Eve and Charles Dawes after performing marriage ceremony, 1988.

For over 40 years every time I would see Rinpoche I would pledge to fully dedicate myself to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. For decades I had had some form of daily practice – making offerings and prostrating, and maintaining some degree of mindfulness. Fervently I wished for the well-being and enlightenment of all beings. Beyond that, my actions did not enable me to penetrate to deeper states of compassion and insight which I knew from intense practice was possible.

For many years I would take samaya vows from Rinpoche, promising to adhere to precepts to practice the dharma diligently. Always Rinpoche was patient, loving, understanding, wise and compassionate. One day Rinpoche surprised me. He asked through his nephew Lama Karma, “When?” “When what?” I asked. “When are you going to fully dedicate yourself to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha?” Rinpoche responded. I was crushed. Did Rinpoche not think I was devoted to him, His Holiness Karmapa, the Kagyu lineage, the Dharma, the Sangha? Perhaps he wanted me to take the next three-year retreat. At one point we discussed it, but I had not yet performed the Extraordinary Preliminaries or learned Tibetan. That was it! I had not yet performed the Preliminaries.

In his gentle way, VKKR had called me out. Rinpoche knew that I was firm in my practice of Hinayana (samatha/vipassana) and Mahayana (wishing to benefit others). But he taught the traditional Vajrayana path which requires sincere Kagyu practitioners to complete the Four Great Foundation Practices (prostrations, purification, mandala offerings, guru yoga) before receiving Mahamudra or advanced Yidam practices. I am grateful by the time of his death Rinpoche was able to see his patience with me had paid off. But that is a story for later….

By now it was over forty years of my coming and going from KTD, and practicing dharma “on my own” as my career had moved me away from Columbus years before. I had had all the advantages the lineage could offer. Mindfulness and insight practice combined with wishing for the benefit of sentient beings had been a great joy and provided unmistakable peace and security in my life. Following the predictable pattern of going there when misfortune struck, this time I had lost my job as a development officer at Western Michigan University. I was again at KTD.

I arrived at KTD by chance on the occasion of His Holiness Karmapa’s visit to the USA in summer 2011. Having time on my side, I was able to attend a 10 day Kalachakra ceremony for World Peace in Washington DC lead by HH Dalai Lama and His Holiness Karmapa. I had first met His Holiness Dalai Lama at his residence in Dharamsala, India, in 1972 and was able to have personal darshan. I was thrilled to be able to see him again. Following the Kalachakra, I followed HH Karmapa to KTD and was able to spend precious time there at the same time he was there. I had felt close with HH the 16^th, but this was the first time I was able to be with HH 17^th Karmapa. Joy of joys, Ugyen Trinley Dorje, the 17^th Karmapa, was undoubtedly the same incarnate being as the Ranjung Rigpe Dorje, the 16^th Karmapa. To be able to see this in person was further confirmation of the profundity of the miraculous and precious Kagyu lineage. As always, Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche was there at KTD, now in his upper 80’s early 90’s, he continued to give dharma teachings and remain accessible to those who sought him out.

On the day His Holiness returned to India – about the time his plane would have taken off from NYC, I was walking in the courtyard at KTD. One other student, Eila, was there. As we looked in the sky, letters began to form out of clouds. They were so straight and full across the sky, from horizon to horizon, at first I thought that Tibetan letters were beginning to form. Then, instantly, they began to spell out, in English, “C O M E   I N D I A.” Eila and I stood in amazement. As soon as the first person appeared in the courtyard, the letters disappeared. Both Eila and I had received our instructions. Somehow, independently, we were going to India.

The stories of how Eila and I each went to India form separate stories. Quickly stated, I believe Eila went there in 2012 and has remained under the tutelage of HH Karmapa ever since (now 2020). I was able to convince my daughter, Rosemary, to do pilgrimage with me in India and Nepal for six weeks in 2012. Together we were able to visit and pay homage to holy sites in Kathmandu, Bodnauth Temple, Premnagar (if I remember correctly where Guru Rinpoche’s handprint is by a cave where he meditated and received Vajrakilaya awakening). We happened upon two small caves near the burning ghats in Kathmandu Valley which were labeled “Tilopa” & “Naropa”. Rose & I also visited a Tara temple where there is a self-emerging Tara coming from the stone wall. We traveled to Lumbini, where Shakyamuni Buddha was born, then traveled to Northern India and on to H.E. Tai Situ’s monastery. Sadly Tai Situpa was not there, but we were able to have personal audience with him in New Delhi. We also traveled to Rewalsar where Padmasambhava manifested the lake (which I fell into), and to Dharamsala, residence of His Holiness Dalai Lama. Wherever we went, we paid homage, made offerings and practiced sincerely.

We then traveled to Varanasi where we also paid homage in Deer Park where the First Turning of the Wheel of Dharma occurred. We eventually we made it to Bodhgaya and paid homage to the temple and Bodhi Tree where Shakyamuni Buddha was enlightened. We also saw and met with His Holiness Karmapa who was preparing to lead the worldwide Kagyu Monlam. After six weeks of extensive travel, Rose returned to the United States and I remained for another six weeks in Bodhgaya to participate in the Kagyu Monlam and do other practices. Prior to her departure, Rose and I were also fortunate to visit Vulture Peak where Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva expounded the Prajnaparamita Sutra. I was also fortunate to be able to visit Kushnigar, where Shakyamuni had entered parinirvana. Visiting the four major pilgrimage spots of Buddhism, as well as Vulture Peak, was a life long dream fulfilled for me.

The above pilgrimage could fill volumes but as this story is about Ven Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche, following my trip to India, I found myself back at KTD to receive final instructions from Rinpoche before leaving for Tashi Gomang Stupa in Crestone, CO. Before leaving on my pilgrimage to India/Nepal, Rinpoche had asked me if I would serve as director of Tashi Gomang Stupa to take the place of Lama Zoe, whom he believed would be retiring because of health. At the time I had asked for permission from him to first take pilgrimage to India based His Holiness’ sky writing “COME INDIA.” On my return I would go to Crestone. Rinpoche agreed.

It had been the greatest honor of my life that Rinpoche asked me to serve at Karma Kagyu Tashi Gomang Stupa. There was no question in my mind I would be happy to do it. At one point knowing the harsh conditions, Rinpoche asked me through Lama Karma, “Are you going to be alright (in Crestone)?” I replied “What? You are sending me to Dewachen, how could I not be alright?” We all laughed. Perhaps Rinpoche was laughing at my long standing, continued ignorance of the challenges of life and the depths of samsara. I was soon no longer laughing.

After a few weeks I made it to Crestone. I had traveled west before and looked forward to the wondrous expansive skies, mountains and terrain. I had hoped to find full time work in Crestone as I considered it too early to retire from my career in higher education even though I was approaching the first years when one is able to collect Social Security. Lama Zoe received me graciously. All the board members of Tashi Gomang Stupa seemed like brothers and sisters from a sangha I looked forward to serving. Everyone was kind and generous.

It was a beautiful clear day when Lama Zoe took me to the Stupa which Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche and dedicated students, servants of the dharma, had constructed and consecrated in Crestone. The stupa was beautiful. It stood majestically looking over the foothills and mountain ranges. Lama Zoe began sitting meditation and I began to circumambulate the Stupa. I was grateful finally I had arrived.  I reflected on the stories I had heard about the Stupa, in particular the story I had heard that on the day of the Stupa’s dedication Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche had seen the rupa of His Holiness 16^th Karmapa move which had caused Rinpoche to weep in joy. The honor of serving Rinpoche and the Stupa was intense.

Soon a profound reality began to set in. I do not know if my wishful thinking to serve the dharma and Rinpoche had overwhelmed my common sense in accepting the position, but quickly a more crushing reality became apparent. Lama Zoe, who was comparatively the same or approximate age as me, had seemingly, youthfully and energetically, bound up the side of the mountain to visit the Stupa. Afterwards she youthfully scaled the inclines to show me the several cabins which were retreat sites for long-term and short-term meditators. These cabins had no access to roads, no electricity, no running water, no permanent source of heating or cooking. It was up to the director, or a designee, to ensure that each cabin was fully maintained, safe and available to meditators when needed. I believe at least one of the cabins had a meditator who, in the reclusive tradition of the Kagyu lineage, had been in retreat for years with no plans to come out of retreat. It would be up to me to guarantee her safety and well-being of all those visiting the Stupa or staying in the meditation cabins as well as maintaining the magnificent Karma Kagyu Tashi Gomang Stupa itself.

By the time Lama Zoe and I returned to the vehicle we had left beside the road at the bottom of the hill before our climb up to the Stupa and the cabins, my entire body screeched with intense, real, physical pain. I had had an arthritic condition for many years, but never before had my body informed me with such clarity that repeated visitations and tending to the Stupa and cabins, as would be required of any reasonably-functioning director, was impossible. I stayed in Crestone a few days longer. I don’t remember at what point I realized I would not be able to serve. I looked for housing and a job. Housing was able to be found, but without an income how would it be possible to remain? Eventually the conclusion became inevitable. Even had I been able to find an income-producing job, my arthritis was the overriding, undeniable factor which could not be overcome. I would not be able to serve as director of Karma Kagyu Tashi Gomang Stupa. I sent word to Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. I was saddened. At the same time knew the right decision had been made.

For the next two to three years I wandered. I moved to California where I had studied in graduate school and where my first-born son, Daniel, had been born decades before. The goal was to find a development job at a university. I was well-qualified and believed it was only a matter of time before I was picked up by a California college or university. I stayed with my son, Jon, and his wonderful family in Los Angeles until my welcome was worn out. I stayed with my college friend, Pat, in Berkeley until she moved to a nursing home by necessity. I slept on the floors of friends houses for many a night. Always a job was right around the corner. Over a 2-3 year period, I applied for over 350 university development jobs. Well-qualified, I would be called to first, second and third interviews in the selection process. One by one, approximately 30-40 times, the younger candidate won out from the choice of the top two candidates – me and one other. Finally, exhausted, I pleaded in a prayer to His Holiness Karmapa, and his emissary the Venerable Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche, for a place to live.

The next day, responding to an ad in Zillow, I found what looked to be an affordable living space in the desert east of Los Angeles. Desert Hot Springs, CA, a two hour drive from son Jon and his family. Not too far, not too close that I would impose on Jon’s family. If I took Social Security (now 3 years after I first could have taken it), the mobile home would be affordable. With my two sons’ help, Daniel and Jon, and their partners agreement, I received the down payment needed. This wasn’t just any trailer home. It had a spectacular view of San Jacinto mountains. It had refurbished kitchen and bathroom with new roof and a room for a shrine! It had fruit trees and something else I could not ignore – a short executive golf course for seniors. To me it was Shangri-La. To this day I thank His Holiness Karmapa and Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche daily for their kindness as I have no doubt they guided me to this home in my hour of desperate need. Incredibly the blessing of the Kagyu Lineage brought me to live, isolated in the desert, on a street called “Lotus Lane.” Eh ma ho – how wondrous!

Now I could begin my dharma practice, intended for so many years, without excuse. One year, two, three, four years went by. I was so content. Happy to be in the desert. But my practice, and progress, remained the same as it had for decades – daily offerings to the shrine, mindfulness and insight practice, constant remembrance of the suffering of others and desire to relieve their pain. Occasional practice with Santa Monica KTC, what more could I ask? But Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche’s words a few years back haunted me. “When will I really commit to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha?”

By now I could see the effects of aging setting in. The arthritis was getting worse. At times my mental alacrity slipped. Daily reflection on the Four Thoughts that Turn the Mind toward Dharma (Four Ordinary Preliminaries or Foundations) could no longer be avoided. I was fortunate to be in a human body. That body and the world around me was impermanent and would change. Eventually I will die. At the moment of death my karma will determine what will happen to me so when was I truly going to give up unwholesome action and occupy myself entirely with karmically skillful action? My house, in good condition for an old house when I bought it, was in need of constant repair, the garden and trees needed tending, the roof repaired, the heating and AC system needed upkeep and on and on. All around I could see all samsaric places, friends, pleasures, possessions and so on causing me continual torment despite my concerted attempts to keep them under control. Rinpoche’s question continued to haunt, “When would I fully commit to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha?”

I had made many commitments to VKKR in the past, usually (always?) falling short of the promises I had made. One thing was clear, time was running out – for me with old age beginning to set in and, unthinkably, for Venerable Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche himself – now in his late 90’s. Reports of Rinpoche’s ill health were becoming increasingly alarming. But wait, I still had questions to ask, homage to pay, oblations to make. The clock would not stop despite my objections. Reality made it clear. If I was to truly honor Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche while he was still alive, now I would have to fully commit to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. After more than 50 years of dharma practice, my commitment had to be unequivocal. This time there could be no excuses, no slipping back. I set the date and looked forward to it.

It was my 70^th birthday. In early morning hours I sprang from my bed with true joy in my heart. The time had come. I will not go into details except to say the time had come for total commitment – or least commitment to a daily practice which VKKR had pointed to for decades. One of the obligations I had was to Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche himself. I owed him everything. I must see him. He must see me one last time. I had some final questions to ask about my own arrangements at death which only Rinpoche could answer. It was summer 2019. I had to make it across country to Rinpoche and time was running out.

It was August 2019 when I finally arrived in KTD with questions in hand about my own funeral arrangements and practice of dharma. By now regret and remorse overwhelmed me that for so long, for so many years, even with Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche’s perfect example, I had broken my samaya vows, usually unintentionally, occasionally volitionally. Only VKKR could forgive me and re-cement our relationship.

The news at KTD was devastating. Rinpoche was in extremely poor health and was seeing no one. I saw him once from a distance in the shrine room at KTD at a Karme Chagme session which was being conducted at the time. Clearly he was not well. And then…he came to the sessions no more.

My time at KTD was limited. Was I never to see Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche again? To speak with him one last time? To ask the questions I had come across the country to ask? To acknowledge my shortcomings and beg forgiveness? To receive final instructions about my practice?

The days rolled by. Two days. Three. Four. Rainbows came and went surrounding the monastery. The rumors increased. Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche was dying.

Suddenly, unexpectedly, Lama Tenkyong informed me I could see Rinpoche now. I gathered my offering scarf and gifts and went upstairs to Rinpoche’s residence. When I entered the room, Rinpoche was sitting up. Smiling, to me he was radiant. He looked like a man 20 years younger. Even more astonishing, he looked and acted as though he was in good health. He greeted me cheerfully, more cheerfully than I ever remember before. I have no doubt he knew why I had come and why it was so important for me that I see him.

I prostrated and gave Rinpoche some framed photographs from our past that I thought he would enjoy. They included a photo with Rinpoche alongside His Holiness the 16^th Karmapa, my father and a cousin at The Dawes Arboretum tree dedication ceremony honoring His Holiness; a photo of Rinpoche with H.E. Jamgon Kontrul Rinpoche at the arboretum on the same day and a photo of Rinpoche blessing the Tribute tree at the arboretum years later which was set aside as a tribute to him. He particularly seemed pleased with the with his photo with H.E. Jamgon Kontrul Rinpoche and made a point to show Lama Tenkyong who translated.

I updated Rinpoche quickly about my trip to Karma Kagyu Tashi Gomang Stupa years previously and apologized that my arthritis was so bad it was apparent I would not be able to serve as director. Rinpoche knew all this and laughed. I begged his forgiveness for broken samaya vows and he told me to begin a new Vajrayana practice and “begin today.” Finally, Rinpoche gave me instructions about my own funeral which I shall keep confidential. Joy of joys, all had been restored between us, even though our connection had never diminished. On leaving Rinpoche’s room, I burst into tears. They were tears of joy for having seen him as much as tears of sorrow to know I would never see him again in this life.

I left KTD in the days following my final interview with beloved Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche. Within a month I received word of his death. For me Khenpo Karthar Rinpoche didn’t die. In many ways I feel his Presence more strongly now than before. His loving, kind, spacious, compassionate, wise presence becomes stronger as I review his written teachings and daily perform the practice he asked me of me – to fully commit to Buddha, Dharma and Sangha. May all benefit.

Desert Hot Springs, CA

July 16, 2020